Fart Prophecy
Some Nonsense By Will Dugan (Originally published under the Pen Name of Blind Melon Ugly Dude)

She accused me of farting, saying something along the lines of "whew, you better go check your drawers cause you stink."

"Are you sure it wasn't you? I didn't fart; I was merely thinking about farting." Of course she wasn't buying it - she was convinced that girls (or at least ladies) did NOT fart. In the perfect world of her imagination, ladies excused themselves from the room and then quietly and stinklessly passed gas - they never let out a loud, foul-smelling fart. And at any rate, she knew that SHE had NOT passed gas, so it MUST have been ME.

I knew better. But that's not the point here. The point is - - I really did NOT fart. I truly was only thinking about farting.

And then it dawned on me just how talented I was; what a gift of fart-prophecy I had been given. Let's face it - ANYBODY can stink up the room with a nose-offending fart.

But few and far between is the "Asshole Magician" who can odoriferously ambush the ambient atmosphere with an ass-gas aroma without actually performing the offending ass-belch.

Yes, I had met many a person who could eat beans, fart, and stink up the joint. But I was the only person I knew that could mentally simulate and stimulate the smell of shit in anticipation of eating beans. I could think "fart" and mentally affect the olfactory glands of anyone within my psychic reach.

Some claim to fame, uh? Not the kind of thing that should entitle me to bragging rights. But what the hell - ya gotta take em where ya can find em. Let it be written on my tombstone:

Alas, his ass
Need not pass gas
He mastered the art
Of the reeking brain-fart

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Trapped Somewhere Between
Insanity and Sincerity
Will Dugan
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Copyright © 2009 By Will Dugan